Give me strength!

Ok, dysfunctional family, one brother living in US and one sister living in New Zealand. Neither me nor brother married, sister married with two teenage sons. Sister had children late, first at nearly 40 and subsequently appallingly parented, over-mothered and has suffered for it with bullying in school, and possibly gay. I was out there with them in 2008 when my mother was dying, and at the time my sister was telling people that her eldest son was clinically depressed. He wasn't, was just struggling with teenage adjustments and possibly being gay. Sister lives life aimed solely at projecting her image, pathological liar in order to promote that.
Brother somewhat screwed up throughout life, but heart in right place and sees the best in people. Totally gullible where my sister is concerned, and has provided money to her at various times when she has adequate means herself. Thinks her eldest is ill and may never recover.He is not!
Brother is now staying with me for 10 days and I have to bite my tongue. He thinks the sun shines out of my sister's arse due to the lies she has told him, and I am powerless to make him see the truth.
8 nights to go...

Re: Give me strength!

Oh my stars. I've only just seen this thread, and I know you're a retired GP and not equipped to deal with this, but I'll come back to this tomorrow, as I hope others will as well.

Re: Give me strength!

Hiya Ania. It's good to be able to have a blow out and vent your anger on a forum and it's obvious that you are exasperated by your family.
If it's any consolation I think most of us with families will have experience of a family member like your sister, who buries her head and make excuses for her child's short comings.
Keep your chin up and remember the old saying. "You can choose your friends but not your family"

I don't wish to sound trite because you are obviously distressed by the situation but I can't see a solution to the problem that won't cause hurt or upset.
Try to keep the peace with your brother if you can because he sounds naive when it comes to your sister. Good luck.

Re: Give me strength!

I am trying to keep the peace, and so far managing, if with the odd struggle. Sigh of relief today as he has gone off on a mission to get a painting packed for shipping, after much faffing about.
Actually think that if we had such diagnoses 60 years ago he would have been labelled as ADHD or even Aspergers or similar.
Would you believe he travelled here from the US without bringing either a jumper or a coat other than a very light anorak? Well it was warm there, so he didn't think he'd need it!
Mesco, you are right that there is no solution to the problem, other than my just ignoring what I can and saying nothing. And fortunately I am unlikely to see either of them much in the future (haven't seen him til now for well over 3 years, and haven't seen my sister since my mother died nearly four years ago) so just have to get through these few days.

Re: Give me strength!

It's the hardest thing in the world to get someone to see things from your point of view if it puts them in the wrong. The only thing you can achieve if you try is to fall out. All I can see you can do is bite the bullet, make the most of the time you have together, and be there for them. Of course that doesn't mean you cant let them know how you feel

Re: Give me strength!

Keep your mouth closed, it doesn't matter what they say about each other, but no one else has the right to.Please carry on biting your tongue if you need to explode please feel free to explode to me.

Re: Give me strength!

Sorry didn't know you were expert, only know my own family situation. Still applies though or to any one out there, if you need an ear, I'm available and I've got a very closed mouth.

Re: Give me strength!

Families? Who'd 'av 'em? Here's a quick summary of mine (for those of a nervous nature look away now) (the following may contain flashing lights). My mother abandoned me aged four and my brother, a babe in arms to an alcoholic father and a mentally ill Granmother. Needless to say we were poor. I never saw my father who much preferred to spend all his time in the pub or fighting; he died young from drink related problems. My brother became an alcoholic at about thirteen and violent at about, well? The same age really. He was expelled from school and in his teens and twenties made a living as a bare knuckle fighter in Ireland. He also died young of Liver failure. I paid for his funeral he obviously had no money and his alcoholic girlfriend (He'd flunked two marriages and abandoned two children) claimed the death grant from the DSS and drank herself to death with the proceeds. Whilst all this was happening my Gran threw me out at seventeen to fend for myself and devoted all her time to feeding my brothers habit. I found somewhere to live, saved up, went to university and though I too married young we were together for our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Sadly my wife was taken by cancer soon after. My Gran was taken into long term hospital care (stroke) and my brother spent all her pension money on alcohol and she was evicted whilst still in hospital. What did I do to this family? I walked away and never looked back save for the blood-is-thicker-than-water moment when I paid for the funeral. Sometimes I wish I could have said something? Something about my feelings at the time without it (always) descending into argument followed by violence. To this day I abhor all forms of violence and can't really get angry at anything. If there is any moral to this then for me it's to simply live your life the way you want to live it and not as others would live it for you.

Re: Give me strength!

I may have phrased that wrong what I meant was they feel they can call one another then forget about it, but if you speak out they think you're interfearing.

Re: Give me strength!

I've learned to NOT try to get him to see things from my point of view. We are surviving day to day by my just avoiding ever disagreeing with him and having the patience of Job (well, I think so anyway!)
What bothers me most is the way my sister has manipulated him and the fact that he is so naive that she can do so, but hey ho, I can just try to ignore it.