12-12-2011, 06:42 PM
1
A Bird for Christmas
Stuck for something different to get his wife as a present a husband decided to go to a pet shop and buy a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals and birds in particular so this would do the business and be the perfect gift for her.Off he toddles to the pet shop and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, " It's an American bird named Chet who sings"
The bloke is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him. The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way ... "
The husband says that it was great and asks,"Does Chet sing anything else?" So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know ... " The husband is very impressed, certain that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.
He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way ... " The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know ... " The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?"
The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing,............................ "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"
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12-12-2011, 10:46 PM
5
Re: A Bird for Christmas
Originally Posted by anniemuldoon
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Hmmmm not very funny
What about a couple of daft ones to make up for it?
Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it Soots him.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker.
Ok, I'll get me coat.
13-12-2011, 03:48 PM
6
Re: A Bird for Christmas
No Hammer, stay..... those last two were funny. So was the one about Chet really. Just hated the thought of the poor little thing's feet etc being burned. Probably why I loved your Krill jokes, I imagined them as real you see. Time I got my coat ..........13-12-2011, 05:57 PM
7
Re: A Bird for Christmas
Originally Posted by maryl
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Probably why I loved your Krill jokes, I imagined them as real you see.
Why even old Elvis was a big supporter of the Krillian civilisation. I am told he had an epiphany on the set of some crap film he was making and wanted all his future releases to be renamed, like Krissin Kousins and Krill Kreole.
Anyway back to the plot and I promise no creatures were harmed in the telling of this appalling joke.
A Russian couple were walking down a street in St Petersburg last night when Ivan felt a drop hit his nose. " I think it's raining" he said to his wife." No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. " No, I am sure it was just rain," he said.
Like a lot of couples and as these things go, they seemed to be heading for a mighty ding dong over whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Lets not fight about it" said Ivan, "lets ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, Ivan said " Tell us Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
" Its raining of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: " I know that felt like snow!" To which Ivan very quietly replied..........."Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"
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