What to say/do

What can I say/do ? A long term friend was on the phone to me in tears tonight, her husband has said she is ' not normal 'Apparently she made some remark and when he said " Why are you telling me " she said she was talking to herself he replied she wasnt 'Normal.' She has had a lot of health problems this year and is very emotional ,and he [ apparently ] has told her " they are her problems" and she is driving him mad " He had been drinking and when she asked him to talk to me he wouldnt. I think a lot of both of them but just dont know how to help. I do understand she is ill and feels vulnerable , but also understand the strain it is putting on him, both are retired ,their only son lives away,so they are together a lot

Re: What to say/do

My first thought is don't interfere but be an ear to listen .

When I was working in a samaritans office, doing BT work, I asked more or less the same question.

They said if you get involved often you will get any blame thrown at you.

More often than not unloading problems onto an outsider helps by just talking to them

So that would be my advice just listen

Re: What to say/do

There's nothing you can do Deylon.

But it does sound weird that her Husband doesn't support her, saying she is not normal, why just because she is talking to herself, I talk to myself a lot, if he loves her then he should be more supportive towards her.

Re: What to say/do

When a couple are together 24/7 I think they can get on each other's nerves at times. That's not to say they don't care about each other.

Just be there to listen deylon.

Re: What to say/do

There's so many scenarios one can put to this which whilst may not be nice, may explain what's hopping in the dynamics

Both recently retired - getting on each other's tits

He's a drinker, she's not, neither one each other's wave lengths

And it can go on and on

I would listen, and be there as a shoulder and keep my own council

Re: What to say/do

I agree with the others, just be there to lend an ear, try not to offer an opinion.

I learnt many years ago that it's totally unrealistic to expect one person, especially a man (!!) to provide all your needs, especially emotional ones, that's where you need close friends so she's lucky she's got you!

Such a shame she can't get out and about a bit without him, him too, it would do them both the world of good and give them something else to talk about.

Re: What to say/do

It's very lonely to be in a relationship when you suddenly have a health problem and the other person doesn't understand. It creates a barrier between you and upsets the balance. He is probably finding it hard to cope with her condition and this is his way of managing his own confused emotions.

Re: What to say/do

It's very sad but you can't get involved as others have said it may come back on you, be a good friend and listen but try not to offer advice unless you are willing to actually lose them both as friends.

Re: What to say/do

All good advice here. I have been in the middle of ear bashing. I just listened, nodded sympathetically, and nothing went back to the other party.

Then there's my next door neighbour, who I supported when she cried a lot about her partner. On advice from another neighbour, I have changed my mind about who is guilty out of the pair, and thank goodness I didn't tell her what to do! I did say 'I can't come between you, but I'll listen to you'. They are as bad as each other, so there is no way I can advise or help. They have to sort themselves out.

Re: What to say/do

All good advice with which I agree.
Be supportive by lending an ear to listen ... try not to appear to take sides.

During the last years of my dad's life (ill health) he became argumentative, mainly through frustration and feeling inadequate and some of the rows I overheard between them were vicious.
When two people are thrown into a situation where first one needs to lean on the other, then each need to lean on each other but both need their own help relationships can suffer. The one who is originally 'the rock' can start to buckle.