Scrounging Relatives!

Reading OG's post regarding his stolen money and how some people may leave themselves open to others over money, it make me bristle. I have a SIL who thinks he who must obey is a ruddy cash point at times. There really is no excuse either.

When my late MIL passed away, all four children were left quite a tidy sum each. I don't know about the other two siblings but we invested ours in the best way we knew how to get the best return, (little though that is in the present climate!).

But not my SIL! oh no, although neither is working, first she and her partner bought a super new 4-wheel drive, then she moved from the cottage they had been renting, into a new barn conversion at twice the rent she had been paying previously. Happy days indeed.

The problem was that rent is for the duration, money with her is not, and she soon ran out. Conclusion, they had to move out of the barn back into the village into a smaller cottage than they left. But..... guess who she phoned to ask for help with the deposit, security money, first months rent etc?
Now he who must obey is very careful with our money, and is certainly no spendthrift, but he loves his sister dearly and whilst on the phone to her, turned to me and said: " ........ would like to know if we can lend her £400 for the deposit for the cottage so they can move in within 2 weeks?"
Is that alright?

NO IT BLUDDY WELL ISN'T!! I wanted to say, you had all that money and you squandered it, so don't come running to us to prop you up!" but instead, as she was listening and caught me on the hop, and how my soft lad would do anything for her, all I could say instead whilst silently seething, was yes, and then sit there whilst he carried on the jovial conversation with her, thinking.. dammit, I should have had the courage to say no! and how much I wanted to tell her to go to hell!. We won't see that money ever again, He who must obey knows it as much as do I. But I could never put him in the position where he has to refuse to give her his help.

I'm not an unkind person honestly, I would give my last penny to my children or siblings if they were in genuine need of help, but it makes my blood boil when I see people squandering money when it would have stood them in good stead for years, and now it had come down to them asking him for ours!

Do you have someone like that in the family? or am I just unlucky?

Re: Scrounging Relatives!

You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes. If you viewed them as suffering from alcoholism then they will never recover from their illness.

I would lay the law down once they are settled so they know where they stand in the future.

MKJ's wise words

Re: Scrounging Relatives!

When we inherited we bought things we had always wanted caravan on the south downs being main one, and we had Elsie Labradors brain tumour done too but bulk of cash is in the bank still. One of my husbands brothers who inherited exactly the same amount came to us within a year to ask for a loan but having loaned and not got back previously we know what sort of loan he meant. We can't see at all what he's bought, a car that's about it, so he's drunk and gambled the lot.


Different priorities I guess.

Re: Scrounging Relatives!

Wise words indeed Mark, I would do the same, just this once to get you out of the hole that you have dug for yourself then you are on your own.

We have had the same situation a couple of times with our children, and they turned their lives around by us holding firm and meaning what we said.

Re: Scrounging Relatives!

MKJ, I'm with you on that, problem is...what we feel and what we do are two different things. Of course, if she had alcohol or gambling problems it would have been a case of being cruel to be kind, and I could have made he who must obey see the sensible reason for refusal. But it's different when it is the youngest sister of the four, the other two live in London and she wouldn't dream of asking them anyway, and as he said when he had finished the phone conversation, "I couldn't say no, she wouldn't have a roof over her head as she can't afford the rent at the Barn".
Oh, how I wanted to say "Tough! she should have thought of that during her spending sprees" but as I said, I couldn't put him in the position of refusing her and have her never speak to him again. They have always been very close. It was a very awkward moment.
He who must obey is a very astute person in normal cirumstances, but I'm afraid when it comes to his sis and money, he is a bit of a soft touch.
It's not the first time either.

Julie, No-one should ever mind someone treating themselves with money from an inheritance. But in her case, it's not as if she is a youngster. She is in her early 60's and should know that she has no other means of ever having such a large sum of money again. It just makes me angry on his behalf.

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Julie has spent wisely on something the whole family can enjoy and benefit from. When a person lets cash drip away on rent, whatever price it was, it is true that once gone, it's gone.

I would have been livid, Shroppy.

Re: Scrounging Relatives!

It might be useful to document the loan and both sign up to how it would be fixed.

One way is to put such a letter in with the will suggesting to all the heirs that money is out on loan and should be paid back from the shares of the will.

Another way is to document times and dates of required repayments.

Simply handing over money, without conditions, does not help cure the problem. What about any other offspring who manage themselves appropriately - why should they lose out?

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It`s all in the genes??. My father was a mean,nasty piece of shit. My brother had his pockets sown up. My elder nephew forgave his `best man`-for stealing all the cash we paid to him at his wedding.

My younger nephew is well on the road to his first million or two-he does not waste it. But he is generous. Take my mother`s 92nd. I offered to go halves-my bill Stephan. He no longer calls me uncle Stephan

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Tedc, Of course what you say is the correct way of doing things, but in reality,that just would not work! This family does not do such things as signing forms for a loan etc with other family. If it was a friend, yes, but family? no.
He who must obey would certainly never have the nerve to ask his sis to sign a document with regular payments, because in his heart he knows she would never be able to abide by it. What would happen then? I know, she would avoid him like the plague through embarrassment and he would be upset at losing contact with his little sis.

As I say, I don't wish to cause bad feeling between us over the stupid woman, so I have kept my peace. But I still seeth when I think about it.

Re: Scrounging Relatives!

OG, I thought I had problems with my SIL, You certainly have a chequered family!!!