Hello, goodbye (update@post 68)
Well I have had quite a "break" from the forum, mainly just because my life has been busy with a lot of things (not just cancer) and I have barely had a chance to sit down! Recently though I did log back in, and am glad I didn't completely abandon this forum - not that I could ever do that.
You guys were the first people I told when I was first diagnosed with cancer (and you gave me the strength to fight), so it seems only right that you are the first I tell of the latest news.
The prognosis was never good to begin with, but I suppose I deluded myself by thinking that taking the highest strength chemotherapy and having surgery would "have" to do some damage to the cancer. Alas, things don't always go as you hope.
I found out earlier today that the cancer has spread to my lungs and liver.
My outlook on life has always been "expect the worst, hope for the best", but regardless of how much I had expected the worst news today - nothing could have prepared me for this.
The only treatment would be more chemotherapy, and that would purely be for the purpose of prolonging my life, rather than saving it. It goes without saying that I'd rather have one week free of chemo than three months living with it, so that's out of the question.
I don't know how much longer I have left, and life has shown me that even if the doctors could suggest a time-scale it would probably be inaccurate, so I haven't even asked.
The main thing is that right now I still feel OK, and if I wake up feeling OK tomorrow - then that's one more day I can enjoy life. There is no point trying to preempt death, because you simply cannot. It will happen regardless and worrying about it will only take away what little life you have left.
So, just before typing this I have booked a one-way ticket to Texas, which departs from Aberdeen airport tomorrow.
I witnessed my mother's death and it is something I would never want my daughter to see, and therefore vowed that she would not. I'll say goodbye with dignity and all my faculties intact. That's how she'll remember me. (People can judge me for that if they want, but it's my decision).
I'm not saying this will be my last post, but it will be my last for a while. I need to say my goodbyes to Scotland, get to America and settle there - then I can decide what to do with the rest of my life...
It's strange, when I was younger I thought of the "rest of my life" as being years, but now I think of it in hours and days. But on the other side of the coin, I now appreciate every second ten times more than I appreciated every week when I was young, so it balances itself out.
Bye for now, and God bless.
-Susan. x