19-11-2015, 06:02 PM
1
funnies
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you" she said and then she got all excited!!!
She quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is rather strange because this is the first time she's shown an interest in my darts.
..........
At the hospital this morning I stared at my wife through the glass in disbelief.
She kept drifting in then out, in then out, in then out.
People were screaming and shouting and running frantically all over the place.
Then a doctor screamed "she's crashing"!
But thankfully, she noticed a bigger parking space in the next lane and pulled in there.
No wonder I'm in here for a bloody nervous breakdown.
................
I had an argument down the pub with an American about metric and imperial measurements, trying to explain to the idiot that he's living in the dark ages and it's much easier to use centimetres than inches and kilos rather than pounds and ounces, dividing stuff by 10 is better than trying to work out what 11/16th is or whatever.
Any way, once we had calmed down a bit, to show there were no hard feelings I bought him a pint.
.................
It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."
"Where are you?" she asked.
She wasn't happy when I said, "The seventh tee."
....................
I've recently been staying in my mate's house, so now and again I would do a wash while he was at work.
After I pulled the clothes out of the machine, I realised I'd accidentally left one of his expensive shirts in with mine and dyed it pink.
I panicked and immediately rushed to the shop, bought him the exact same shirt costing me 200 quid in the hope that he wouldn't notice.
When he got in the door, he picked up the shirt and said, "What the hell happened to this?"
"Looks fine to me," I stuttered.
He replied, "It was bleeding pink this morning!"
...........
Bob is sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from him.
"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"
"Whether you believe it or not," says Bob, "you are the spitting image of my wife. Except for the beard."
"I don't have a beard," says the guy.
"No, but the wife does."
.............
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