Wise Words

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,

'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

Re: Wise Words

. . and every one of them is a gem.

Re: Wise Words

A few more gems.

I'm prepared to take advice on leisure from prince Philip. He's a world expert on leisure, he's been practising for most of his adult life.
Neil Kinnock.

I've been offered titles but I think they get one into disreputable company.
George Bernard Shaw.

The classes that wash the most are those that work least.
G.K. Chesterton.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from - - ever again.
W.C. Fields.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents the second by our children.
Clarence Darrow.

I have a previous engagement which I shall make as soon as possible.
John Barrymore.

Re: Wise Words

Love them! Some would make good signatures: may borrow one or two!