just a couple of jokes

Dog for sale
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog."Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying sod, he's never been out of the garden."

.................................................. ...............................

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad...As ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy!' Sniff, sniff.
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

Re: just a couple of jokes

Nice ones Steve.