18-03-2013, 11:36 AM
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Just one of my favourites:)
I've got a load of these but this is just one of my favourites -CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
25-03-2013, 12:51 PM
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Re: Just one of my favourites:)
Apologies if any are repeatedWe are having some restoration work in the church over the next four weeks which means that the font could be at the front or the back of the Church.
Therefore babies could be baptised at both ends.
A newly appointed Canon, who is a good friend, informed us that he had been recently appointed Canon from his former position of Parish Priest.
He remarked that he hoped he would not be 'fired' and he would rather be 'shot'.
A religion teacher was teaching 5-6 year olds and asked the children this question, "Where is God?"
expecting an infant equivalent of He's everywhere, the divine characteristic of Omnipresence.
A little girl put up her hand and said, "Please Miss, He's in the toilet!"
"Oh! why do you answer that, Jane?"
"Because, Miss, whenever my granny tries to go there she always finds the door locked and says -
'God, he's still in there again!' "
Another Canon addressed us during a sermon and said an elderly lady stopped him in the street last week and informed him she thought he'd died 3 years ago.
He was rather surprised to hear her say, "I have been praying for your soul every day for the last three years".
The Canon replied -
"Why thank you! I'm so glad I have a large credit in my spiritual bank account but I do not intend to make a withdrawal just yet!"
A friend of mine once rang his wife at 2am and said -
"I'm OK love, I'm playing chess with a vicar!"
"Oh yes!" she said, "pull the other one!"
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference:"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the school recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
Thursday night- potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery upstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet.
Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday,
we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water."
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be
"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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