When the OH's kids resent you....?

Can anyone offer suggestions? His daughter is 14 and son is 15. They lived with their mother until they were 5 and 6 - and she spoiled them - then one time she left them with him for a 3 day visit and never picked them up again so he became the custodial parent. Now she sees them twice a year, at Christmas and during the summer.

They are outspoken about their hatred of their mother's fiance and refuse to accept the fact that their dad is in a relationship (even though they all live in my house). He has high blood pressure and is very stressed, so I don't bring up any of the petty and spiteful things they do to upset me. I bite my tongue, clean up after them, run their errands, fix or replace what breaks. They ignore my requests to eat their meals at the table so I have to clean greasy fingerprints off wherever they sit. The carpets will need to be ripped up and thrown away soon but I can't afford to put down hardwood floors.

Recently I noticed some of my things disturbed so I assume at least one of them goes through my room when I'm out. Next week I plan to give my own girls all the items of sentimental value and the few bits of jewellery I have before they disappear or are broken.

In deference to his teens' attitude he sleeps on a sofa in front of the tv and I keep to myself upstairs. We've been together 5 years. He has never hugged or kissed me in front of them. Should I wait as many years as it takes for them to move out and hope we can be happy together? I do love him and won't leave as that would be abandoning him. Thanks for any thoughts offered.

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

Oh Sue I don't know what to suggest .
I have seen the situation from both sides having been a step child and a step mother .

My stepmother was a witch and I hated her. My step sons I befriended, we got on very well and I was rather like a big sister. They were both at boardings school in term time and only the youngest who was about 11 when I met his father came to stay with us for any length of time. I used to take him fishing and watched both boys who were keen sportsmen play sports ( I really had no interest in fishing or sport) .The situation was clearly very different from the one you find yourself in.

I would suggest a big family meeting is called for where everyone gets to speak without interruption .That way you all get to air your grievances and maybe can agree a few ground rules and come to some understanding .

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

i feel sorry for you,,you cant go on like that after another 5 years it may be the same.
he cant love you much if he allows this to carry on.
take care x

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

Oh dear Sue, I am so sorry to hear how bad your situation is. I hope my perhaps blunt words do not upset you but here goes.

There would seem no short answer to this but quite honestly these kids have absolutely no right to behave in this way in your home. It is intolerable and despite your partners BP problem he has to sort it out. He surely cannot just sit by and do nothing, they are his responsibility not yours.
You do not say what effect all this is having on your own children, it must be awful to live like this.

You say you would not walk away, this is your home so why on earth should you? but you do need a radical shift.

Lay down the ground rules afresh, demand that they must respect you and your home and frankly tow the line and obey the rules. I would also stop running about after them, until at least they start to appreciate that you are not on the planet as their personal drudge.

Only by giving all concerned including your man a short sharp shock will you get any peace and enjoy the life you deserve. If he does not back you 100%, is he really worth all the trauma?

We all only get one shot at life, why spend time in misery.
I am sure others will have better advice than me but i hope things turn for the better for you and your loved ones.
George.

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

I cant believe the cheek of them and how weak of him to allow it.. Whatever you do please stop being a complete doormat.

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

My kids are on their own, 2 married and the 3rd also with a good man. They don't much like what's going on either. Thank you, each of you, for writing back. I'm reading all again and have lots of thinking to do.

- Sue

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

Erm .... excuse me, but whose kids are these? Not yours! You've accepted them into your home. I'm presuming that they don't pay anything towards their keep and you do their washing, cleaning and everything else for them.

I'm sorry lass, but you're making a rod for your own back there. First of all you need to sit down with your husband and get him to take responsibility for his own children. You're the adults, not them, and you make the rules, not them! This is YOUR home so be firm and set down the ground rules about what you will and will not accept.

From what I can tell, the kids have gone through a trauma with their mother rejecting them, and what kind of mother only sees her own children a couple of times a year? They WANT ground rules and they'll respect you more if you do this.

Sorry to hear your husband has high BP and is stressed, but his kids' attitude won't help him in this. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you have got to put your foot down, and make your husband do the same.

Your husband is very weak, and you sound like a very lovely lady that does not like confrontation, but if you don't do something now, they will take over.

Read your own words again, and ask yourself if this is normal! You are allowing those children to rule your lives!

In deference to his teens' attitude he sleeps on a sofa in front of the tv and I keep to myself upstairs. We've been together 5 years. He has never hugged or kissed me in front of them. Should I wait as many years as it takes for them to move out and hope we can be happy together? I do love him and won't leave as that would be abandoning him. Thanks for any thoughts offered.

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

Annie, sorry to say it but you are not being true to your self.

Play the kids at their own game on a one to one basis not whe they are together,or they will gang up against you.

Tell one of them that they either get their act together or get out. Tell the other one that you know things are difficult for them and you are willing to help in any way.

When the one you tell to get their act together complains about how you treat them then tell your OH that they are trying to split you up, as the other one is expecting you to be nice to them the other will be left out on a limb.

After a few weeks, reverse the psychology, that way they will both look like they are ganging up to get you and hubby split.

Now the time is ripe to tell All of them it is Your house and they are the guests, if they do not like the situation the door is open for them to leave.

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

Why would you be 'abandoning him'? I also don't understand the bit about 'in deference to his teens' attitude he sleeps on a sofa in front of the TV and I keep to myself upstairs'? Can you clarify this a little more?

Apart from the above, and if I'm reading the rest of it right ... me ... I'd have him and his delightful offspring out of the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground. But that's just me, which probably explains why I'm single lol and have been for several years. I just wouldn't be able to put up with it I'm afraid. My own teenage kids don't get away with that, let alone someone else's. I also couldn't cope with a weak man (which is how he comes across I'm afraid based on what you've written). If I've got that wrong, I apologise .. but it definitely sounds like he needs to grow a pair, at least where his kids and his relationship with you are concerned.

You are obviously a much more gentle and subservient person than I am, because I honestly wouldn't last five minutes in the kind of situation you've described.

Re: When the OH's kids resent you....?

Poor Annie
You are getting a lot of the "If you act like a doormat, you'll get walked on" response, which maybe you didn't want.

At my advanced old age, and with all the wisdom accrued I have distilled my philosophy of life down to this

- You can be a victim, or a survivor

There's more to it than that but basically, that's it. Sh*t happens, to us all. Can be horrible stuff, like bereavement or extreme health issues, can be much more minor. Whatever it is - it affects us; of course it does, it wouldn't be natural just to accept everything without turning a hair. So, at those times, we are a victim to our circumstances. If we've got a broken leg, we won't win the 400metres.
However, the moving on, the transition from victim to survivor, is in our own hands and our own heads

It's not easy raising teenagers. Much better done as a two (or more) person operation.

Call that family conference. Follow the ancient aborigine if you like, and have a 'talking stick' (doesn't have to be a stick!). Everyone gets their turns to hold it but only the person holding it speaks - the rest listen. Sort it out (I'm inclined to add 'or get out' but it's not my place to dish out that sort of advice to someone I don't know)

The very best of luck to you