A few more to laugh at.

Enjoy the weekend.

A man wanted to get his blonde Essex wife something nice for their wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"
His wife replied, "I just love. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't under...stand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
The blonde replied, "How did you know I was at Tescos?"

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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. . .
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
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EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly soon after this letter was first published. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

...

The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Remember:
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called.... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone....
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.
Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ...and those that mind ...don't matter!
And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...