Some of Victoria Wood's funniest.

1. "I'd been trying to get pregnant and I didn’t and I went to the doctor and asked ‘why aren’t I getting pregnant?’, I’m doing all the right things, I’m not drinking, I’m taking my vitamins, I’m sticking a pillow under my bottom. He said ‘are you having sexual intercourse on a regular basis?’ and ‘I said I can’t do everything’."

2. "When you are in the middle of labour it’s like watching two very inefficient removal men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway, only in this case you can’t say, bring it through the French window."

3. "It was called All-Star Family Fortunes, they had a makeover team, a house team and a gardening team. I’m sorry, those aren’t stars. Stars are people like Madonna or Elizabeth Taylor. You can’t be a star if your only claim to fame is having your own spirit level."

4. "Well, he's not really my husband, but he did rub up against me in a sports coat once so he's as good as."

5. "Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent to watch breakfast TV."

6. "I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years."

7. "My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all b*****d at school told them a potato was a vegetable."

8. "Sexual harassment at work… is it a problem for the self-employed?"

9. "I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry."

10. "People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television
properly."

11. "My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar."